Hello there beautiful people! How have you been doing? Anticipating spring and the sun? Waiting for the April blue skies? Taking long walks outside?
Fearing, doubting… and writing?
I don’t (yet) know about you, but personally, I carry a lot of fear within me. Always worrying, “Am I good enough?”, “Have I said something wrong?”, “What if this, this, and that will happen?”. This fear seems to be protecting me from disappointment by forcing me to always be prepared. It is like Miss Perfect chattering inside 24/7. How annoying! Anyway, I need to accommodate her and take the wheel back because it is legit impossible to keep everything under control.
At this point, I am calling my creativity to help me out with this issue of fear. Through self-expression and reflection, or in other words, when I am writing in my journal, I aim to untangle the loops of “I don’t know”s and “I am not capable”s.
What if I fail? Let’s take the hands-on example of writing. I consider myself a writer, rightly so, I literally write thousands of words in a day in different forms/formats including my notes, school work, journaling practice, and messages. Following and reading wonderful writers, like Rebecca Solnit and Sheila Heti, my perfectionistic mind could not help but start comparing my 22-year-old ass to their mastery of the craft of writing. How dare you my mind! So unfair!
Recently I had to realize I was unconsciously forcing myself so much into writing in a specific way due to the influence of what I have been reading and encountering on the Internet. With the end goal in mind, I was constantly anxious and did not believe I could be good enough. I was not enjoying it. Not as I could. Do I even enjoy writing? I asked myself the other day…
I think so, yes. but I have to re-think how I am writing, and what I have in mind. Having been over-the-top overwhelmed with university work, it has been hard to engage with my creativity genuinely… I almost gave up my goal for this year to write and publish a Substack piece every week! I already made the formal excuse in my head: “No, it’s fine, I just simply do not have to push myself that much…” and blablas like this. And it is true! But showing up every week in this way, in reality, does not command that much from me and is actually the bare minimum. So I had to win my mind over offering the satisfaction of having accomplished this weekly goal. (Plus with making myself another iced coffee.)
Generosity?
For a while, I have been hesitating to put myself out there… continuously, maybe for years already, I have been in a limbo of writing-notwriting-writing-notwriting because I have been so not sure of my capabilities and what it actually takes to pull it off. To share my thoughts and slowly but surely build my creative life in the direction of being a writer/author (and also a kind of aesthete as I love pictures, material aesthetics, and harmony of colors), I decided, it was time to do it. F*ck Ms Perfect chattering in my head.
I find Amie McNee’s words rather weird but also damn inspiring “SHARING YOUR ART IS THE PEAK OF HUMAN VULNERABILITY AND GENEROSITY!“ (which makes me feel fairly afraid of coming off as selfish and self-inhibited). And I was like: YES! How grateful I am to be able to read other writers’ books and articles and to see other visual artists’ beautiful creations! YES! I think if art has such a huge effect on me, it shall have such an effect on others, and I can only hope to achieve that effect on others so that they will feel grateful for my words.
This is my art, and you are invited
So… this is my art. A tiny slice of the lifelong continuum of my creativity. I am honored to be able to share it with you. And I am so so so grateful that you read these lines. This is the moment where the magic happens. When two minds synchronize to speak the same words, resonate closer and closer to each other.
This is my art for which I am inviting you to participate and enjoy. It might be that it is not for you. I get that, feel free to seek other kinds of creatives. Do whatever feels right for you.
One of my friends told me that he read only two lines of my writing and he thought it was so influencer-ish that we would not be friends if he read that first before knowing me in person. It hurt a bit not gonna lie, but at the same time, this comment shed light on my fear of being seen as a writer. Because I am so early in my journey as a writer, it would be a mistake of the reader to think that this is the top.
For example, let’s take some of the greatest writers whom you love. They don’t even have to be a writer but any creative person you love for one reason or another. Would you say that they are at their peak? That they don’t have one more better book or one more greater painting in them? No, nah?
I invite you to join me on this journey, and not mistake it for something that is done or ready. I am pretty messy and chaotic with my creativity, I publish pieces on impulse, and cannot really plan ahead. (Quite ironic, I always plan everything.) This proves that my personal motto: “blind trust in the unexpected” is really something I live by, at least creatively and I cannot wait to see what the Universe brings. Including my next piece on Substack… what kind of inspiration will I encounter? Maybe one of you will make a comment that will result in a new creation…. Who knows?
Reflection time!
(1) But what is it in this piece of writing for you? My main question would be for you to take a moment and ask yourself, what have you been putting off that you have always felt like you wanted to do but never did? Any kind of hobby you wanted to pick up, an essay to write, a drawing to make, a plant to have its seed sown?
(2) Also, what is one thing you need to re-think/re-define in your life? Are you afraid to do so? What are you afraid of and why?
(3) I invite you to (re)define what creativity and art mean to you. Do you consider yourself creative? Why or why not?
PS.: Recently, I have joined the Inspired Collective and I have been enjoying Amie’s masterclasses and creating sessions. There is just something magical in being together in this digital space with all these creative people. Thank you, Amie!